Many criticisms of young people in the West excoriate a self-obsessed, 'snowflake' generation and the indulgent parents and teachers who enable them, cowed by fears of upsetting or alienating the kids. But, as sociologists Jennie Bristow and Ellie Lee show, pressure to affirm young people's views of themselves is applied by wider political and cultural dynamics, which corrode organic adult–child relationships. Consequently, young people's ability to develop a rounded, grounded sense of themselves suffers – as does their relationship with the adults who care for them. The obsession with personal identity incites teenagers and emerging adults to short-circuit the dynamic process of growing up by adopting fashionable badges of self-presentation. But these stymie young people's access to the intimate intergenerational relationships that have historically provided the basis for development into maturity. Older people often find themselves positioned defensively on 'the wrong side of history', while young people's insecurity is intensified by an aggressive focus on the present. How can we restore strong ties between the generations? In this sensitive, optimistic and ambitiously broad intervention, Bristow and Lee advocate a cultural narrative that supports adults' authority to say 'no' to our children, with love.